


Havoc

by Scourgefan12



Series: Modern DocJan Cinematic Universe [6]
Category: Hellsing
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Gen, M/M, all of millennium is there but idk how i feel about tagging everyone, ships aren't super relevant but they exist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-14 19:07:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29176155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scourgefan12/pseuds/Scourgefan12
Summary: Millennium plays a session of Dungeons and Dragons together! This goes about as well as you would expect.
Relationships: The Doctor (Hellsing)/Jan Valentine, Tubalcain Alhambra/Luke Valentine
Series: Modern DocJan Cinematic Universe [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2023328
Comments: 7
Kudos: 6





	Havoc

When Doc had mentioned that his son was into Dungeons and Dragons, Jan really didn't care. He'd been given the option to play sometime, Doc had mentioned that Schrodinger had been looking for new people to play with, but he turned it down. He really couldn't bring himself to give a shit, the little bastard would have to find someone else. He'd been kind of harsh with his refusal too, saying that he'd rather drown in his own cum than play a single round.

Doc replied that dnd is a game that's played in sessions, not rounds, but alright.

Jan wasn't sure why he was so adamant about not playing. For all he knew, it could be fun. Apparently Doc was planning on giving it a shot too, it could be an opportunity to spend some quality time together, get to know Doc's family while doing so. It couldn't have been as bad as he was assuming it would be.

He didn't even know what dnd was all about, if he was being honest. He just knew that it was nerd shit, and Jan Valentine wasn't interested in no nerd shit.

Like just about every minor detail of his life, he ended up mentioning it to Luke. He intended for it to just be a passing comment, one they'd dwell on for maybe a minute and then move on. He hadn't expected Luke to actually give a shit.

Apparently, Luke was all about it. Said he'd been interested in the game for a while, but never had a chance to actually try it out. If Jan didn't want to, then he'd be more than happy to play with Doc and Schrodinger.

Jan guessed he really shouldn't have been surprised, this seemed like the type of thing his bro would be into. Luke barely had any real hobbies to speak of, but the few times he chilled out and did things just for the enjoyment of doing them, it always tended to be something Jan didn't care for. Things that required you to actually think. So, it made sense that Luke would take interest in this.

Jan, being the good brother that he was, hooked Luke and Doc up so that they could play together. Now Luke could never say he never did anything for him. He didn't expect this decision to be the one that ruined his life.

Okay, "ruined his life" was a little dramatic, maybe it wasn't _that_ bad. It really fucking sucked though.

The two of them ended up spending more time together than they did with him. How fucked up was that? His best bro and his boyfriend, and they could hardly bother to spare him a second glance. They just abandoned him, dropped him like they spaced out and forgot they were holding him in the first fucking place.

This was, of course, an exaggeration. They still paid attention to him, just slightly less than before. Doc still texted him during breaks at work, Luke still hung out with him before going out for whatever job he was working any given day. They obviously still cared about him.

Still, he couldn't help but feel a little left out. The two of them really did spend a lot of time together. They coordinated this shit, made sure their days off lined up so that they'd be able to play, and then they'd be at it all fucking day, sometimes late into the night. 

Sometimes they played at Doc's place, sometimes at the Valentine bro's residence. Jan wasn't sure which he hated more.

If they went to Doc's, then that would leave him all alone pretty much all day. Which wasn't exactly a new thing, but it sucked knowing that the two of them were having fun without him. At least when they were at work, he knew they were just as bored and miserable as him.

If they decided on he and Luke's place, then he'd actually have to hear them. And see them, whenever he had to leave his room for something. 

It was always kinda weird, seeing their group. The two of them, Schrodinger sitting there between them with his little cat ear headphones, ( _Why_ he was wearing those was anyone's guess, he couldn't have been listening to anything while they were playing. Fucking weirdo.) and then there was the fourth guy. Jan didn't know much about him, just that he was maybe one of Schro's babysitters when the kid was younger? Massive fella, if Jan wasn't already dating Doc then he'd be all over that.

They didn't look like they should meld all that well together, but they were clearly having a good time.

Sometimes, when they caught him watching, one of them would ask if he wanted to join. There's always room for one more, they'd say. There's always room for my cock down your throat, he'd respond, before retreating back to his room.

Even on the days where they weren't playing, he couldn't escape it. It seemed to be all Luke would talk about. He'd go on and on about what was happening in their current session, character ideas he had for future sessions. At one point he mentioned that he was going to be DMing, whatever the fuck that meant, and told Jan the details of his plans.

Jan, for his part, did a great job at pretending to give a fuck. It all sounded like nonsense to him, but Luke cared about it and he wasn't about to shit all over his bro's fun.

He had to admit, some of it did sound sorta cool. The parts he could understand. The parts about slaying monsters and such. Even if that stuff was wrapped up in the lamest shit imaginable, by itself it was kinda neat.

He'd sometimes give Luke ideas. Not intentionally, he'd just say something and Luke would get excited about it, saying that he could use it. Jan would act like he did this on purpose though, because seeing Luke get legit impressed with something he said made him ridiculously happy. 

He didn't expect this to be such a long term thing. He expected Luke and Doc to maybe play one or two games together, and then for things to go back to normal. Instead, this ended up lasting _months,_ they were dedicated. And on top of that, they just kept gathering more players.

Friends of Doc's, mostly. Some fat fuck named Max, who was apparently Doc's best fucking friend or something, the two of them went way back. Some bitch who couldn't have been using her real name, like seriously, Rip van Winkle? That was some fairytale level shit, it was so goofy. Then there was an olympic bodybuilder looking bitch, who Jan was half sure was a dude when they first met. She didn't seem to care for the game nearly as much as the others, it was pretty obvious she was just there because one of the others invited her.

Apparently, Luke's boyfriend was even gonna join in. What was his name? Jan could never remember, it was some foreign shit. He was just Luke's Brazilian Sugar Daddy as far as Jan was concerned, Daddy for short. Luke hated when Jan called him that, but maybe he should consider getting an easier to remember name if he didn't like that nickname.

It was at this point that Jan relented. He decided he'd try it out, he'd join in for one session. Why not? If so many people were participating then there must've been something to it. 

Luke was delighted to hear that Jan was willing to give it a chance, he offered to help his brother make a character. Jan accepted of course, because really he had no idea where to start.

The character creation process was a serious fucking drag. Luke dumped a bunch of info on him and barely gave him time to try and understand, there were like a million different class and species options, and _then_ there were subclasses too, and he was just expected to pick two like it was nothing. And on top of that, he had to do math to figure out his character's stats? Fucking _math?_ Did he _look_ like he knew what a number was? That was some bullshit. 

And then there was the personality and backstory for his guy. Luke didn't let him have _any_ fun with it! "no jan, you can't say that you were shunned out of your home village because your dick was too massive. no, your weapon of choice can't be your monster cock, nor can it be your gargantuan ass" It was seriously so lame. He dealt with it though, played by his bro's stupidly strict rules. He didn't wanna get kicked out before the game even started. Besides, who knew, maybe once he actually started playing it'd be more fun?

Max was the DM for this session, and he had great things planned. A tale full of chaos, and intrigue, and above all else, war. It was a pretty cool plot, all things considered. Though, Jan was pretty sure the big bad main antagonist warmonger guy was gonna turn out to just be a self insert. He wouldn't get the chance to know that for sure though, since the campaign was derailed before it could even properly start.

In Jan's defense, it wasn't _all_ his fault. Mostly? Yeah, but he wasn't the only one to blame. Out of everyone in the group, there were maybe four people who were taking the game seriously.

He and Dandy were, admittedly, the worst offenders. Jan just wanted to get into the action, he willfully ignored many attempts to progress and attempted to jump straight into combat. 

The others yelled at him for this, trying to tell him that it wasn't allowed. To which he replied, according to who? Since when was that part of the rules? As long as it was in character for the little guy he was playing, then what was the problem?

Luke was the most vocal, scolding him for not taking the game seriously. He insisted that he _was_ taking it seriously, while doing just about everything he could to prove otherwise. Attacking random people for whatever reasons came to his mind. They looked at him funny, he didn't like their vibe, they were hotter than him and that's not allowed. His methods of attack were also... creative, to put it lightly. Nutting so hard on the enemy that it shoots through them like a bullet, suffocating them under the weight of his huge balls, shit like that.

Luke, Doc and Schrodinger were distraught. Every time he opened his mouth they'd groan in annoyance, or give him a death glare. At some point, they gave up on trying to get him to play "the right way" and just let him do his thing. Not without complaining, of course. But, they knew he was an unstoppable force, so there was no point in even trying.

Even Rip seemed pissed, and she was one of the more chill players. She was fine with most things usually, more focused on fun than following the rules of the game.

You would think that Dandy, seeing how upset his boyfriend, not to mention everyone else, was at the ruined session, would make some attempt at playing normally. You'd be wrong, though. He joined Jan in his bullshit shenanigans. They'd double team whatever NPC Jan decided he had a problem with.

Dandy rarely actually got his hands dirty, however, mostly just playing a supporting role. If he was dragged into the forefront of battle, then he'd try to get out of it. His favorite method of doing this was trying to seduce the enemy. Every fucking fight, he'd ask to roll for seduction. Even fights he wasn't part of, where he was sitting on the sidelines or in a completely different area.

His attempts were rarely successful, usually resulting in whoever it was just growing more determined to kill him. 

Their DM was no help at all, in fact he seemed to find all of this amusing. He didn't outright enable it, but he did nothing to try and stop it either. He seemed to have given up on the actual plot he had planned, content with just letting the two session clowns run amok.

Gradually, everyone was having less and less fun. A grand total of three people were actually enjoying themselves, everyone else was miserable.

At one point, after Dandy chose to roll to seduce Jan's character, one of the others snapped. Decided they'd had enough.

Zorin, in a rare act of kindness, tried to save everyone else from more of this torment. She intervened, attacking both Jan and Dandy's characters.

Try as they might, they couldn't do anything against her. Nothing that mattered, anyway. Her character was carried over from a separate session, and was many levels above them. Their strikes did practically nothing against her, while every hit she landed was devastating. Even when Dandy got multiple nat-twenties in a row, which was definitely him cheating somehow, they didn't stand a chance.

In the end, she crushed their little skulls like grapes.

Dandy was unconcerned. Once he died, he just shrugged and leaned back, happy to watch the others continue playing. He even congratulated Zorin for the good fight.

Jan wasn't nearly as good of a sport. He screamed at her throughout the whole fight, throwing out gratuitous insults, with a few slurs tossed in too. It was very embarrassing for everyone who had to watch. He looked like he wanted to start breaking things, or throwing things onto the floor. The only reason he didn't do this was because of Luke, who rested a comforting hand on his shoulder, and also gave him a warning glare. Not wanting his bro to be more mad at him than he already was, Jan chose to just sulk for the rest of the session.

The game was already damaged irreparably, but now the people who were taking it seriously could have a good time without having to worry about things being interrupted and derailed. They played for about another hour before deciding to wrap things up. 

By the time everyone was leaving, Jan had calmed down considerably. Looking back on it, he realized the game had been fun as fuck. He couldn't stay completely mad at Zorin for killing him, that was pretty funny, just the fact that he'd got on one of his teammates' nerves enough for them to turn on him like that. Plus, he could always make a new character.

He mentioned this to Luke, saying that he'd be down to play again sometime. 

Luke just gave him a blank stare before turning and walking away, apparently having nothing to say to that.

Jan decided to believe that was permission for them to play together again, and would bug Luke about helping him make another character tomorrow.

**Author's Note:**

> The amount of knowledge I have abt Dnd is actually very little, but I thought of the concept of them playing together and thought it'd be funny as hell. I couldn't help myself


End file.
